I loved waking up in my new place with lil Annie curled nearby softly purring.   The old place was so dark and dreary and this place was open and airy with lots of windows.    In the next room I could hear Asa snoring as his lawn mower hummed quietly (he turned the volume down at night) and the screech of his c-pap machine.

Asa had joined in the fun of digging up all the treasures Old Hayseed Hank had been burying for years.   Actually he had stopped burying it when the city complained it wasn’t good for the environment and now he didn’t even bury it.   It was just a large dump pile.   He gave the city lots of money so they turned a blind eye however it probably would have been cheaper just to pay he city to hall the junk away in the first place.

The c-pap machine was one of the ‘treasures’ they had found.   Why a ghost needed a c-pap machine is beyond me but he said it helped his breathing at night.   I didn’t know ghosts breathed or snored but he was really sawing lumber.

I rolled onto my back and got ready to stretch my arms out.   Annie stretched at the same time with her claws out and raked them down the side of my arm; slowly and painfully.   “Annie that really hurts,” I yelled pulling my arms back leaving a hunk of skin hanging from Annie’s nails.

“Sorry Slam,” Annie laughed.

I rubbed my arm and got up.   I walked into the livingroom which was semi dark because it was so early.   I nearly fell over the coffee table that was in the middle of the room.   It was topped with a float from the pool and Asa and his c-pap.     I woke him, he sat up screamed, “Where my aigs woman?”  laid back down and snored long and hard, then muttered  “Over scrambled, toast with butter and some hog belly.”

L continued on to the dining room, also semi dark.   Out of the darkness I hear, “Can I get a couple of those star aigs and hog belly?”  I jumped a foot as a flashlight hit me in the face.

It was Duh-Wayne and Spam laying on the floor on a mattress.  Now that we had the ‘extra’ room Duh-Wayne and Spam had practically moved in.  We had a spare room but they were laying in the middle of the dinning room floor.

I made it to the kitchen and tripped over Annie’s wagon and Duh-Wayne’s big wheel things they’d hauled out of the junk pile and where in the beginning stages of repurposing.   Annie was making a washing machine out of her wagon and Duh-Wayne was making a end table out of his ride on toy.

It was their business Annie said.  ‘Repurpose with a purpose.’  The purpose lining their pockets.   They made a big sign and hung it completely across the front porch making it impossible to enter or exit that door.   It was painted brown with letters written in a little bit darker brown.   They were also selling the weird shaped eggs.

Duh-Wayne had brought several flocks over just so they could lay weird eggs.   Duh-Wayne’s chickens laid heart shaped eggs because they loved him.   Annie’s ducks Aunt Sos and Mr. Waddles were nesting a batch of eggs each shaped like a pile of poop.

Yes Annie got ducks; and several peacocks, a buzzard, a pair of emu, a mean goose named Ralph and a crate of exotic turkey’s.   She was scoping the internet for a few more things; which meant more  animals.

Mostly birds but she also got six wasp nest which she placed outside out bedroom windows in such a place that you were unable to reach it unless you were dangling from a bungee cord attached to a helicopter.  Plus they all wore tiny gas masks so even if you could possibly spray them they were safe.

Nothing really changed from our old place in that respect except now we had more room so Annie could increase her hoard of people animals and belongs and we lived in the country which meant Annie had to make friends with almost every family from here to town so she and Duh-Wayne could have free charging stations for their scooters from our house to town but Annie was really considering a wagon.   She liked the old timey feel of our old house.

The biggest change though was I would be working from home.   I always had that option.   However at our old house there just wasn’t room for me to sit comfortably and do my job and I really liked going into the office.   It honestly gave me a chance to get away from Annie.

She only had to work two weeks out of the year anyways and she made two million dollars a week.   She called in sick and used personal time for the majority of those days and wound up actually being in the office about three days a year; three days a year that the whole company celebrated with balloons and banners.

It was the three days a year when our whole customer service department was allowed to be Annie and say what ever it was that they wanted into their head sets.   The shyer reps would say something politely like, “Call back on another day, thank you.” The bit bolder shy reps would say an Annie classic, “Dave’s NOT here MAN!” and hang up.   You heard people say, “Whad do ya want?” in a sneering voice all the way up to profanity laced streams of pure frustration.

There were games and food and prizes up and down the customer service floors.   The customers loved it and felt some sort of special pride if they happened to get Anna-sta-SIA on their phone.

The grand prize of this event was you would get to wear the Annie mask  the whole day at work. It’s a cat mascot mask Annie got after Halloween last year.   Annie randomly picked someone to have this honor.   I hate winning it.   You have to wear it all day you can’t see, or breath, it’s hot and it smells like rotten farts because Annie sleeps in it sometimes.

Anyway now I would be working from home.   Not just because I had an office which I had to share with Annie.   She was making extra space for herself just like the old place rooms for her and Duh-Wayne and Spam to relax in like their Opera House.  But she had to share my little office.   But because we had one vehicle and if I wanted to work I would have to leave very early with Grandfather.   So instead of arriving at the office five hours before my shift and returning hours after, I decided to work from home and only go in when I had to.

Annie shoved a huge desk that I thought would not even fit into that tiny office space.   She pushed her $9, 000  executive chair into it leaving me with just enough space for one of those hospital bed side trays and my chair.   It worked for me.   I got used to it anyway.

Annie never worked from home.   She was always on vacation.   But she still sat in my office, logged into her computer to chat with co-workers and rub elbows with the big wigs.   But most of the time she just spent annoying me.

She and Duh-Wayne decided to start a band.   Annie played drums and a fiddle.   Duh-Wayne played a juice harp and this guy Hip Hop had bag pipes.   They practiced every day from nine to noon.   They called themselves the Niney Nooners.

At noon Annie would come in to chat with me while she ate her lunch.   Something normally smelly and foul looking.   “Lettuce with old fish guts, Slam,” she would offer, shoving her plate in front of my face two fish eyes staring at me covered in a thin film of Annie’s favorite salad dressing, snot and boogers brand.   Just for flavor she claimed.

Most afternoons she spent either trashing the entire house or sitting be side me in the office working her other job which was an outsourced company who regularly called my company.   Annie had several phone lines so she would call on all of them jamming up phone lines and talking in weird accents and just in general making things difficult.

My break times now were spent cleaning and  making a sit down meal for lunch.  Duh-Wayne and Spam were always here and they had to be fed.   “Gravlies,” which is what Annie called Raviolis, ” and a blow me down sandwich is not enough for Duh-Wayne and Spam,” Annie screamed.

Spam was good about it though.   She usually got things started like the squirrel skinned and gutted.    Annie said complained about her company having to do any of that though because now I had so much time being saved by not having to get dressed and go in the office.

And because I had so much time on my hands Annie  volunteered me to take care of my sons chickens and his goats while he was away.   This was quite the dilemma since I am terrified of chickens, but I was able to over come my fear for that limited time and at least get them fed and put away.    Ironically Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam all went away that weekend too.    So they could not help me when I had to do it solo but they were there through my chicken care training  and goat classes., I got from Unkie Rov.

That weekend though, Mary Jane came up missing and the saga of the Missing Time Travelers continued.

Click to see

Slam feeding the chickens







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