There is a bit of a lull between Columbo Day and `Halloween around my house. Duh-Wayne and Annie celebrated Columbo Day sparing no expense. Duh-Wayne even brought over his 200 inch wide screen because the color was better and then began the marathon of watching two tv programs; an old show called Columbo and one called Iron Side. Iron Side had absolutely nothing to do with Columbo except Annie and Duh-Wayne loved that show. The both wore iron pants making it impossible for either of them to walk so they had to ride in wheel chairs when they wore them. They also wore tan trench coats.
For those who don’t know Columbo day is that holiday that happens in mid October. Annie and Duh-Wayne also float bars of Ivory soap around in a pan of water with flags made out of construction paper and they tell the story of Chief Taco Sandwich and his gang. Duh-Wayne does the parts of the Natives, sort of a back woods redneck Maine British accent. He did it well.
So after that fall adventure, things quieted down until Halloween. Annie had a continuous play list of every Halloween special ever made and it played constantly on both our TV and Duh-Wayne’s who never bothered taking his home because he was at our house all the time. In the back ground, the Monster Mash played on a continuous loop. It was a prelude to the Holiday season as Annie and Duh-Wayne called it and had been planning since June; now there was room to have a REAL old fashion Christmas.
Annie and Duh-Wayne spent much of their time after Columbo Day playing the Sims. They decided to wear their iron pants, Ironsides they called them for a while so the Sims was something they could do sitting. Annie and Duh-Wayne were on a mission to created an entire population with the most ugly sims they could created. They gave them goofy names and had an entire story line going, it honestly was like a whole Sims soap opera.
“So Rudy Colludy got caught cheating with Fatima Fatma and now their cousins are sisters and I am my own grandpa,” Annie screamed.
It was all they talked about and all they did even late at night and wee hours of the morning they were playing on the computer; because they could only play on a computer and we only had one that cut into my computer time. Oddly they only played when I wasn’t at work.
During the work hours Annie spent most of her time curled up in my lap while I tried to work about her stretched out body. If I tried to move her she would bite and scratch me knowing I was unable to day anything because I was on the phone with someone. If she wasn’t doing that she was purring loudly into my head set and it sort of sounded like, “Dave’s not here man.” Or she was taking over the key board so she could chat with various co-workers. She called it visiting the office from home. She would have so many conversations going on, I would be the only one taking calls which was hard because Annie kept taking the keyboard.
Anyhow with my computer time being limited, I decided to find something else to occupy my time. I crocheted so I decided to do that. I could make a nice blanket for grandfather in his teams colors. The only problem was Annie Jr. kept stealing the yarn and Annie stopped sleeping on my lap and on the blanket instead. The blanket was nearing the end but it was getting increasingly more difficult to work on because both the Annies were involved in a new fad called shedding.
Duh-Wayne did it too. They took this ‘natural product’ and rubbed it all over their body where ever hair grew so they could shed and have unique hair styles Duh-Wayne had a small about of hair on the very top of his head, a bald strip around the center and then long dreads on the bottom. He called it the oreo cookie style. “Dark hair white skin dark hair,” he would yell and smack you then ask, “Get it?”
The fur and hair was getting all over everything. No matter how much I swept when Annie Jr. stole my yarn it came back wet and furry, and with Annie laying on the blanket every day, it was almost a black and white fur blanket and not red and gold. It could have been worse they considered the Pod filled with laundry soap challenge but Annie didn’t like the taste of blue and Duh-Wayne hated the taste of green.
I moved on to puzzles. I ordered one off the internet. It was an autumn, barn in a field, one. When the puzzle cam, I was working so Annie volunteered to go after the mail. I was pleased she was being so nice. Later I found out, after she opened the puzzle and spilled it all over the floor; that she had actually went in and changed my order to a puzzle she wanted. It was Wacky Packages from the 70’s and Annie loved them. The reason she opened it and spilled it, so I couldn’t return it.
She had been doing that a lot lately, changing my orders, or adding things. The border I had ordered for my office was replaced with border more to Annie’s liking. A group of cats wearing cowboy hats, one looked like Annie and oddly one looked like Duh-Wayne. They had been wearing them lately, as their favorite holiday was coming up. John Duh-Wayne Day.
We had moose border in the dining room because Annie had a moose friend named Marc Anthony Maximillian Pennywhistle who would come by and stick his head in the window when he was in the neighborhood and drink a cup of sludge with Annie, Spam and Duh-Wayne. He came by one weekend when Aunt Paulie was over and gave her a ride, galloping though the field at top speed, Aunt Paulie clinging to his antlers. Annie had purchased a moose saddle over the summer and needed to try it out. Aunt Paulie had the time of her life.
Anyway I began the puzzle even though it wasn’t the one I wanted. First the table was just like a half an inch too short so the puzzle overlapped a tad. I went with it and got the whole outside edge done and a couple good chunks in the center. I got up to get coffee, came back and Annie had completely destroyed it, pieces all over the floor one of the boxes spilled.
I ‘wasn’t spending time with her,’ Annie claimed which meant sitting in front of the pc with her in my lap so she could make ugly sims. She had for some reason become terribly clingy lately, but as Halloween approached the dent in my lap where she sat most of the time began to even out.
“Their party”, Annie talked about nothing else. She had a Halloween party every year. After she went trick or treating but before traditionally waiting for the Great Pumpkin, except for the last couple years where she waited for the Great Trumpkin, who of course showed up so he could brag about his crowds which were tremendous but would have been there with or without him. She was doing that again this years, Duh-Wayne really liked it but Curry said she was throwing M&M’s and Elm Tree had a bushel of peaches she was going to hurl, Chuckles had mints. Annie and Duh-Wayne threw cheese burgers and diet coke. The Great Trumpkin tricked and tweeted gathered everything up in a pillow case and left a trail of orange cheesy dust behind him.
Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam all wore costumes from the late 60’s. Those cheesy masks and the plastic suits that ripped but some how were better quality than later years. I have no idea how they even fit in them. They kept changing them though. Duh-Wayne started out being a witch, then Annie wanted to be Casper and Spam wanted to be Gumby so then Duh-Wayne couldn’t be Mr. Magoo. The whole thing was a mess.
They had more room this year so they could invite more people. Philly came, and Aunt Paulie who Annie shoved down the stairs on a mattress so she could have a hellava ride. Aunt Dinyell, K8, Squirrel, Trisket and Traden came. Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr Great Great came with Norbert Newell and Jasmine Arielle Cinderella. Gabe, Bryan and their fowl. Uncle Rov and his hens, Morganna and her mother and the goats. Just everyone came and then some.
I hid in my office away from it all. The bobbing for apples, the piñata, the haunted house Duh-Wayne and Annie built in the basement and had people believing they went through some portal into the past. The clanks and bangs that constantly went off in the whole house ‘proving’ once and for all our house was haunted. Several fortune tellers were scattered around reading fortunes, some witches had booths selling bat hairs and vulture feathers, plus there were fountains of cider, tables laden with donuts, popcorn balls and apples plus all the Halloween candy one could eat.
I hid patiently waiting until mid night when I could finally toss out the pumpkins Annie had carved a little early (August) to make the office feel festive and refused to let me toss them out even though they were clearly rotten covered with fruit flies and maggots, until November 1st.
At Midnight the great Trumpkin arrived, lock him up was yelled from the rafters. I tossed the pumpkins out the window, all 45 of them. I am not sure who they hit. I didn’t care. I knew the Halloween festivities were at the end. They always ended with the Great Pumpkin, I mean Trumpkin. When the last moldy trumpkin, I mean pumpkin went flying out the window, I turned and went to bed.
I closed my eyes and it began. Christmas Carols!